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 These
Are Taxing Times
for Americans
by
J.C. Johnson / April 1999 issue of
NY Nightlife Magazine |
They
say only two things in life are certain ... death and taxes, and many
people seem to dread both equally. But with the April 15th deadline
fast approaching for those of us who haven't finished our taxes, or
worse haven't even begun, death may actually be starting to look like
the better of the two. I do not claim to be an expert on taxes, I have
no special degrees, I have never worked for the IRS, nor have I ever
worked for an accounting firm. I don't even claim to like taxes or tax
preparation ... OK, quite frankly I hate taxes and tax preparation.
But after over a decade of preparing my own taxes I can say that I have
survived. Am I paying as little as possible to Uncle Sam? I have no
idea, but I have handled the stresses of tax preparation without resorting
to drugs or alcohol, and I have never had to check myself into a mental
institution upon their completion ... So, I guess that makes me as good
a choice as any to write an article on taxes. Based on these credentials,
or lack there of ... what follows are some of my thoughts, may they
help you cope a little better with today's taxing times.
Getting
Your Tax Records In Order
The first
step in preparing your tax return consists of collecting together all
the records you've accumulated for the past fiscal year. This task must
be done whether you prepare your own return or hire someone to do it,
there is simply no getting around it. This is not my favorite part of
tax preparation ( as if any part is something I would label 'favorite'
). I am good when it comes to saving whatever I need, that is not my
problem. My problem is finding whatever I need. Do I save important
items ... Yes! ... Do I put them in a logical place where I can find
them when I need them ... well, quite frankly, No! Are there other people
out there who are much like myself ... unfortunately, I think it's safe
to say, YES! This very task, the art of excavating from your home every
scrap of paper you will need to prepare your tax return, I believe,
is what started the custom of spring cleaning. I can see it now ...
Neanderthal man frantically rushing about his cave in search of each
and every stone tablet he has mislaid over the past year. Lifting each
stone up and carefully examining it so as not to miss the slightest
reference to earnings or expenses that may have been etched upon it.
In fact, I feel the famous saying ... "leaving no stone unturned," probably
first originated during income tax filing season in cave man days. Anyway,
as I was saying, if Neanderthal man finds something useful on the stone
he carries it over to a corner of the cave he has set aside for the
important tablets ... But, if the stone proves worthless, he tosses
it. And while he's at it out goes old bones, tools, broken pottery,
torn animal skins and whatever other useless junk he's found while looking
for his records ... even the pet tigasaurus is not safe from being tossed
if our Neanderthal friend is frustrated enough by the pressures of tax
time.
Making
Sense Our Of Your 1040 Form
 Once
you have collected together all the tax related records for the past
year, next comes reading the instructions and filling out all the proper
forms and schedules. The U.S. Government graciously prints a manual
every year to help us with this very task, and no expense is spared
when it comes to paper and ink. If you are the type of person who finds
the manuals that come with today's modern electronic wonders too boring
or confusing to suffer through, then you probably will not fare well
with the instruction book that the IRS prints up. But if you think you
can just guess your way through tax preparation, like you do electronic
gizmo installation, guess again. One false move, when you're connecting
your VCR, and the worst thing that can happen to you is you get electrocuted
... but one false move, when you're filling out your 1040, and you could
be looking at something far worse, you could be looking at ... an AUDIT!
Calculations
and more calculations, checking and double checking it's enough to drive
a person to drink. You'd better have plenty of paper on hand for all
the mathematical figuring you're going to be doing. Which brings us
right back to Neanderthal man. Here's another reason why I think income
tax dates back to prehistoric times ... all those paintings of bisons
and bears on cave walls. Scientists think they're not merely just decorations
but some sort of prehistoric language. But I disagree, I think they're
mathematical equations. Years and years of cave dwellers figuring out
their income taxes. The currency of the day was probably bisons and
bears and who wants to pay an extra bison and half a bear, when the
tax man cometh, just because they haven't properly calculated their
taxes for the past year. Would you want to go on an extra hunting expedition
before tax deadline just to make the payments. And you thought you had
tax stress, try looking an angry bear in the face when you have a tax
deadline and then you'll know what real stress is.
Tax
Time Doesn't Have To Be So Taxing
If all
you've done so far is gather together your tax related papers and records,
IRS forms and schedules, instruction manuals and special publications
you are not truly ready to start. First you must gather together your
stress and boredom antidotes. Things like a good Vitamin B Complex.
Remember to avoid sugar, junk food and caffeine, all these increase
nervous tension in the body. The proprietor of your local health food
store should be able to point out what they stock in the way of stress
reduction formulas. And a visit to the local novelty shop should prove
a good source for those stress 'squeeze-me' toys that were all the rage
a few years ago. Once you have gathered all this together on the table
in front of you, you are just about ready to start. All you will need
to do now is put yourself in the right mood.
Some people
feel that listening to soft classical music is a good way of reducing
stress and creating just the right atmosphere before you begin the task
ahead. Although this may work well with other stressful activities I
do not recommend it when doing your taxes. Tax preparation means numbers
and mathematical equations, it means checking and double checking of
figures and calculations. In other words unless you are a lover of math
and everything mathematical, it means BORING! The last thing you want
when you're working on a boring task is soothing music that will lull
you to sleep.
The stress-reduction
solution that works best for me is listening to comedy. If Norman Cousins
could survive a terminal illness with the aid of comedy you should be
able to survive working on your taxes. I think it has a sort of Pavlov's
Dogs effect. Usually when I listen to comedy tapes I feel happy, energetic
and upbeat. Whereas when I do my taxes I feel bored, confused, frustrated
and stressed out. But when I do my taxes while listening to comedy I
feel relatively happy, energetic and upbeat. Although, I must admit
I am a bit concerned that someday the Pavlov's Dogs effect may work
in reverse. That eventually every time I listen to comedy I will feel
bored, confused, frustrated and stressed out.
The
Bottom Line and Is It All Worth It
 If
you handle your stress better this year you will find the whole dreaded
task of filling out your 1040 finished before you know it. When its
all over sit down, lift your feet up and take a good look at your completed
form. When you look at the figure at the bottom of the form, the exact
amount of dollars you must pay the federal government, be sure to take
a deep breath. It doesn't seem so bad when they take it little by little,
paycheck by paycheck. But when you actually realize how much of your
hard earned money you gave to Uncle Sam this past year, when you see
it all in one lump sum, you may not feel you're getting your money's
worth. What do I suggest? Well, the government says we pay taxes for
the services they provide us ... things like military protection, social
security, unemployment and many others. So I suggest you take advantage
of some of the services you are not currently taking advantage of. You
could spend a day at the National Park that is closest to where you
live. Gather together all your old wrinkled dollar bills and bring them
to your local bank to exchange them for brand new crisp U.S. currency.
No, they won't be worth any more than your old bills, but everything
seems more valuable when its brand new. Still not convinced you're getting
your money's worth from Uncle Sam ... then try making an effort to be
aware of the services the federal government provides you that you are
taking advantage of without realizing it. Services like mail delivery,
for instance. The next time you go to your mail box remember who is
responsible for all the mail you receive each and every day. Who brings
the hundreds of catalogs every year, the truckload of store fliers and
all those countless letters informing you that "you may have already
won...". None of these would have arrived at your home were it not for
the U.S. Government. And when you bundle all this junk up and put it
out at the front curb ... REMEMBER ... none of it would be taken away
were it not for the federal government. Well, actually garbage pick-up
is the town government, not the federal ... hmmm ... maybe it isn't
going to be as easy as I thought, convincing yourself you're getting
your money's worth for your Federal tax dollars. But don't loose heart
for we are Americans, and as Americans we must remember the most important
part about being an American ... we live in the Land of the FREE ...
but freedom sometimes comes with a heavy price tag.
Approximately
two hundred and twenty some years ago our founding fathers fought hard
for the freedom we take for granted today. They staged a tea party in
Boston to protest taxation without representation, and won their freedom
from Britain's unfairly imposed taxes. Now, all these years later, we're
finally realizing that maybe taxation with representation isn't quite
the picnic we thought it would be.
All
Illustrations for this article by J.C. Johnson
To
Read a Small Sampling of My Interviews with Entertainers Click Below:
Comedy Legends Mel
Brooks & Carl Reiner
CBS's King of Queens
Star Kevin James
Stand-Up Comedian
& Playwrite Lou DiMaggio
Roger Lodge — Host
of TV's Blind Date'
To Read
a Small Sampling of My Humorous Articles Click Below:
Taxing Times for
Americans
Talking Turkey
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