|
 Talking
Turkey:
A Bird's Eye View
by
J.C. Johnson / November 1999 issue of
Nightlife Magazine |
Thanksgiving
has been an American tradition since our earliest days. So when it came
time to write about this great American holiday, we, at Nightlife magazine,
took it upon ourselves to find the ultimate authority on this long-standing
American tradition. We found our source of sources in what, at first,
seemed like an unlikely place ... deep within the rural woods of Pennsylvania.
But upon further consideration we concluded that nowhere in America
could we find a more fitting location. Nor, could we find a more fitting
spokesperson than the one we uncovered there. Our informative source
is none other than the holiday's most well known and celebrated of symbols
… the turkey itself. Yes, we went to the bird himself for this
year's Thanksgiving piece. And I'm not talking any turkey, I'm talking
the oldest living turkey in America.
Nightlife: Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt
you while you're busy gathering acorns and such, but, I was wondering
if we could have a little of your time?
'Lucky' Tom: Oh, OK. But be sure you take as
little as possible because at two hundred and twenty three I don't have
a hell of a lot of time left to spare.
Nightlife: OK. First may I thank you for talking
with us today.
'Lucky' Tom: What us? I only see one of you.
Nightlife: Yes, well … I'm a journalist
with Nightlife magazine. Uhh, so when I say 'us' I mean all of the readers
of our magazine.
'Lucky' Tom: But there's only one of you here
with me now, correct?
 Nightlife:
Well, yes that's true.
'Lucky' Tom:
Oh, good. I thought my eyesight was going there for a moment. Don't
do that sort of thing to anyone who's over two hundred, OK?
Nightlife: OK, I'll try to remember that for
the future. First off, I'd just like to say that if what you claim is
true and you are in fact two hundred and twenty three years old, then
this is truly an honor to be here with you today.
'Lucky' Tom: Thank you. Did you know that this
is my first time being interviewed by anyone from the media?
Nightlife: Really, that's surprising. I would
have thought you would be inundated with requests for interviews this
time of year.
'Lucky' Tom: No, the media doesn't even know
I exist.
Nightlife: You mean no one from the media has
ever tried to contact you?
'Lucky' Tom: Well, I did get a call from someone
at cable TV a few weeks ago.
Nightlife:
Ahh, I knew it ... The oldest living turkey in America couldn't possibly
have been ignored by the media all his life. What did they have to say?
'Lucky' Tom: Basically they just asked me if
I wanted to take advantage of FREE installation by signing up for their
Ultimate Super Saver plan.
Nightlife: Well, that wasn't really what I ...
'Lucky' Tom: I'm two hundred and twenty three
years old! Why do you think anyone in media wants to talk with me?
Nightlife: I just … are you kidding, this
is such a story. A chance to talk to America's oldest living turkey.
'Lucky' Tom: Today everything is all about youth,
youth, youth … no one respects elders anymore. I can't even get
any respect from other turkeys these days. Do you really think the media
is going to treat me with respect? Why they're probably the worst of
the whole bunch when it come to age discrimination. Anyway, could we
pick this up a little and get to the real questions, please? It's not
like I'm getting any younger, you know.
Nightlife: Oh, sure … sorry to waste your
time with my rambling. It's just a thought but maybe it's your gruff
exterior that turns off people in the media. If you didn't act so tough
I'm sure you'd get a lot more offers for interviews.
 'Lucky'
Tom: Hey, insult the guest why don't you, and
within the first five minutes of the interview no less. Where did you
attend Journalism school … Rosanne Rosannadanna U? For your information
it's this tough exterior that has helped save my hide these past two
hundred and some odd years. Who wants to serve such a tough bird for
their holiday dinner, would you? Anyway could we get to the questions
please? I don't want to turn two hundred and twenty four during this
interview.
Nightlife:
Sure. OK, the questions then … You claim
to be the oldest living turkey in America, two hundred and twenty three
years old. But the life span of the average turkey is only twelve years,
so how could you possibly still be alive after over two hundred years?
'Lucky' Tom: Look if you don't really believe
my claim then why are you wasting both my time and yours talking with
me.
Nightlife: I believe it. I'm just asking because
I know our readers will want to know …
'Lucky' Tom: Oh, your readers are the ones
that are wasting my time, that's different. Well, you see twelve is
the average life span today. It wasn't that way before we became the
traditional entrée for your holiday feasts. Our life span was
much, much longer during those early days in America.
Nightlife: But two hundred and twenty three
years? Are you saying every turkey could live to be over two hundred
years old if they just avoided being eaten on Thanksgiving?
 'Lucky'
Tom: No, I'm not saying that. But it sure as
hell would help.
Nightlife: So there are other reasons, then,
why you've lived so long?
'Lucky'
Tom: Well yes, I feel that a person's diet
plays an important factor in the life span. All the people across
America should try eating like I do. That would mean going on a very,
very strict vegetarian diet … foods like acorns, beechnuts, pine
seeds, low growing grasses and the fruit from the dogwood and blackgum
trees.
Nightlife: So you're saying if all the people
in America ate just the same diet as you, we could all expect to live
much longer lives?
'Lucky'
Tom: Well, I don't know how much longer lives
you could expect to live. I'm no scientist or anything like that.
But I do know your life would probably feel a lot longer if you ate
a diet like mine. Quite honestly, I have no idea whether eating this
way would help people live longer. But I do know it would help us
turkeys live a lot longer. Let's face it… a no meat, no fowl
diet means NO turkey dinners!
Nightlife: Alright Tom, seriously what do you
feel is your secret to longevity?
'Lucky' Tom: Look, I'm sorry if I started off
this interview a bit snippy. You don't have to be so formal. You can
call me by my nickname … 'Lucky'.
Nightlife: OK. So how did you get the nickname
'Lucky'?
'Lucky' Tom: Well, after over two hundred years
of surviving the Thanksgiving table and not becoming someone's main
course don't you think 'Lucky' is a rather appropriate nickname?.
 Nightlife:
I … I guess. Well actually, when you put
it that way, it's quite an understatement for a nickname. Don't you
think?
'Lucky' Tom: Well, I've had the nickname for
some one hundred and eighty years, or so, now. So, when it first started
it wasn't quite the understatement it is today.
Nightlife:
No, I guess not. Let me ask you this, since
you've survived over two hundred years now … do you celebrate
Thanksgiving?
'Lucky' Tom: After two hundred and twenty three
years I don't even celebrate my own birthday anymore! I'm going to
celebrate Thanksgiving?
Nightlife: Well, you certainly have a lot to
be thankful for. Don't you think?
'Lucky' Tom: Well, other turkeys … for
other turkeys, it's definitely the most celebrated Friday of the entire
year.
Nightlife: Hmm, you mean Thursday, don't you?
… Thanksgiving falls on a Thursday not a Friday.
'Lucky' Tom: I know when Thanksgiving falls.
Do I look like a fool? As soon as you turn two hundred they think
your brain is gone. No respect for the elderly in this country anymore.
Of course I know my dates. You asked me if I celebrate Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving for us turkeys is the fourth Friday in November. We wouldn't
celebrate the fourth Thursday of the month. Why would we celebrate
then? What do we have to be thankful for on the fourth Thursday? That's
when all you people are celebrating Thanksgiving. All us turkeys aren't
celebrating, we're too busy being eaten. The fourth Thursday may be
Thanksgiving to you, but for us turkeys it's D-Day!
Nightlife: Well in a few more days Thanksgiving
will be all over for the year and then you can relax.
'Lucky' Tom: Are you kidding … with Christmas
right around the corner?
 Nightlife:
Ahh yes, I forgot about that.
'Lucky' Tom: Yeah, well us turkeys had better
not forget. That's one of my big secrets for a long life … go
on a crash diet right before the holidays. Nobody wants a skinny bird
gracing their holiday table, you know. Anyway, I want you to know
that it's been nice talking with you. You seem like a very nice person
for someone who's not a turkey.
Nightlife: Thank you, I think. Anyway, do you
have any final words for our readers?
'Lucky' Tom: To all your readers out there,
I say … Have a great holiday. And remember, you don't have to
have turkey on the holidays to really enjoy them. A vegetarian diet
is a much healthier way to celebrate. If you don't know what to make
there's always tofurkey … makes a lovely table spread, you know.
They're doing wonderful things with tofu these days. Vegetarian, that's
the way to go, I always say. Well, I'll be getting back to gathering
acorns and pine seeds if you don't mind.
Nightlife: Thank you, once again.
'Lucky' Tom: Oh, you're welcome, once again.
To
Read a Small Sampling of My Interviews with Entertainers Click Below:
Comedy Legends Mel
Brooks & Carl Reiner
CBS's King of Queens
Star Kevin James
Stand-Up Comedian
& Playwrite Lou DiMaggio
Roger Lodge — Host
of TV's Blind Date'
To Read
a Small Sampling of My Humorous Articles Click Below:
Taxing Times for
Americans
Talking Turkey
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